I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want her autograph on my taint
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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