my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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