My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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