I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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