my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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