Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
