So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
