I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
