I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
