Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
