Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
