I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
