this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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