I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
