Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
