So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
