I wish I could teleport
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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