Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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