hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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