We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
