It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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