No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
