Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
