You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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