the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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