I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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