First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
