I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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