I look better un-naked...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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