So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
