Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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