I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
