i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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