can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
