i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
