He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
