Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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