sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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