just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
