you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
