my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
