Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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