I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize