my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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