I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
