I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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