his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
