He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
