U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think i have two assholes
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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