I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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