Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize