I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
