i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
