my phone needs a breathalizer
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
